there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
