Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize