dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
