He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
