nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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