I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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