In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
