Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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