I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
