I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
