It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
