Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
