Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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