I am spending my child support on dildos
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I want a musical about memes.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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