Will you blow on my dice?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
