Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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