Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
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