the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
