i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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