remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
