I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize