hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
