and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
