i just had sex bonerless
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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