dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
