sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
