I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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