Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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