So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
