The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
