I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
