You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
