sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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