piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
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