So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
