He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
