cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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