Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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