my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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