Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
