you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
