my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize