omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
