my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
