It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
