so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
