Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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