Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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