On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
