I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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