also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
