I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize