Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
