help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
