she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize