I understand Curling. That high.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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