Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize