Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
