I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
