seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
