Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
