love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
