filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
