I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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