does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize