im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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