Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
two words: eviction party
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
