My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
