If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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