she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
