I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
