Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
