i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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