when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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